Pain

All  Written in the 10th  grade. 

UNTIED LACES

Pitter patter

Playing with  cooking batter

Bright smiles

Stretching out miles

Little faces

And untied laces

Welcoming hugs

Capturing bugs

Their love

Tender as a dove

Is a gift

To help our spirits lift

It isn’t until night

That they have to fight

When they hear his feet

And know they are to be beat

It doesn’t take him long

But they don’t know it’s wrong

When down Daddy lays

And says it’s time to play

They feel the shame

And they feel the blame

But in him their trust

Never rusts

For him, they lie

And silently cry

In their night

There is no light

Somehow they hope

And learn to cope

But why should they pay

When with him the blame doth lay

In daylight, they play with balls

And with their dolls

The pain they hide

And through life they ride

Because he says, “Be good, Ruth”

They lose their youth

Yet still people remain quiet

And cause no riot

So when we see their little faces

And their untied laces

We should know their scars

Remain because of our hearts’ bars

For them I vow

I will not bow

To the anger on men’s faces

But to those who wear untied laces.

THEY SAY

A little feeling

Yet it leaves me reeling

A heart confused

Abused

“Heal and forget” they say

I can’t ignore where pain doth lay

I hear of a shining light

But feel only blackness of night

“Choose” they tell me

But can we leave what we believe to be

I’m in a cage, trapped

Others have my life mapped

No one chooses to be bruised

But my heart, it’s been used

Why then, they ask, do I trust

Never letting my faith rust

In all I believe good to be

In all that is, but me

For I was taught to see

I can never be free

Still I feel hope

And hold to life’s rope

Behind walls, I lock the pain

And pretend it never does rain

Guilt at me grows

But I know not for which  flaws

So I shall the guilt ignore

And upon the floor, my body curl

“Live” they say

And though pain still in me doth lay

I look at their eyes

And know hope has yet to die.

WORDS

Words

Can be magical clouds

Or in anger

Their stings may linger

Gifts so small

Yet many an emotion do they call

We all may know

Of their power to bring one low

Words fall like rain

And they can maim

Strange their power

Can sometimes be soft as a flower

What would it be

If everyone and me

Left hateful words to sleep

Would our hope then leap

When used with hate

Only retracted too late

Oh they can be harsh chords

And such is the power of words.

ONE DAY

Alone I lay

In my mind, I replay

Words from Father:  “You’re bad!

You make me mad!”

He hates me

It’s easy to see

I wish I knew why

He doesn’t want me nigh

I feel as if I’m in a race

And my prize would be love on his face

He wonders why my wrists I cut

For he can’t see its to escape pain’s rut

He says,  “I love your sister”

I know she doesn’t blister

I look at my knife

Won’t be much to end this life

But I can’t, I’m not brave and one day

His love may upon my heart lay.

ME

I want to be strong

I don’t want to be wrong

I don’t want to fight

But make things right

Too often I frown

And feel as though I’ll drown

But when pain should come

I feel only numb

Others are good

I would be, if I could

But instead I cause pain

And bring others rain

I don’t at all sleep

Memories within me leap

They say I’m rare

I don’t care

Why was I put here?

And why do I live in such fear

Should I end me?

Should I let it be?

Still I live

I need to give

But give what?

I know not.

I’d give love, I would

Or gold, if I could

But to give, there’s only me

And that’s not a gift, you see.

THE LAST ONE

Her brother was the first born

She was the last to get up every morn

To get good grades, she was the best

And in that play, she was never cast

She grew up, silent

Never at all violent

She always obeyed

With dignity, her dues were paid

Her brother laughed and played

And lasting friends he made

But she just quickly walked

And with others, never talked

Her lot in life was last place

And she held it with grace

At night she dealt with fears

Bravely holding in tears

She loved very deep

Tried to joy keep

But still she felt alone

And cold down to the bone

She carried secrets dark

Of small, black marks

That were put there in anger

With painful words that linger

Neither brother nor mother

Knew of the other

She said it was her fault

If she were good, the pain would halt

She was the last one

The one after the son

She was the one who was quiet

And never caused any riot

But she was also in pain

The one who held the rain

The one that  fell to the rug

Longing for a hug

How did she live

Continue to smile and give

How did she through life walk

Without ever having to talk

It wasn’t that she didn’t try

Only that she couldn’t cry

It wasn’t that she didn’t tell

Only that others wouldn’t believe her tale

After all, men are admired

And this could get him fired

So she was the one left

To the innocence-stealing theft

And only when it  came

Did they realize it wasn’t a game

Finally she could no longer give

For he’d taken from her the chance to live

GREATEST PAIN

The worst pain of life

Isn’t bleeding by a knife

Dying isn’t the worst pain

For death, it stops the rain

What hurts more is lying

Alone and silently crying

When no one on Earth

Seems to care about your birth

What hurts more is trying hard on a test

Only to have others say it wasn’t your best

Feeling as though you’re always wrong

And knowing life’s road is long

Having your friend

Insist the friendship end

Knowing everyone talks about you

Hurts worse than death’s hue

Confessing all your fears

And feeling as though no one hears

Breaks the heart more

Then walking through death’s door

Waking up scares me

But so does sleep, for what I might see

But going into death’s light

That’s what I think of at night

Cause when people think you don’t care

It’s a pain that at the heart doth tear

When your heart is broken

And laughed about like its a joke

Pain is when you’re always bored

Because by everyone you’re ignored

It makes life sad

When you’re hated by your dad

Pain is feeling you have no choice

Silenced is your voice

At least in death’s keep

You can’t feel the heart’s beep

But life goes on

Even when its gone

And even though you’re numb

Morning doth still come

Even though I keep walking

And listening to others talking

I know the greatest pain is being as a dove

Ignored, alone and unloved.

SECOND BEST

I write books

But find wrong nooks

I made a B on the Math test

B means second best

I wave and smile

But don’t go the extra mile

And it’s been months since my last call

To the teacher who might care when I fall

Each and every day

Should have thoughts lay

And feelings of regret and guilt soar high

For naught can change remorse’s sigh

Are we all this perfectionistic way

Or do some feel peace at the end of the day

Am I really not worthy of this place

Does worthiness really come with being the ace

Others say I’m special, rare

Yet I give not my all to others’ care

Am I crazy or just mad

Or is my heart really just bad

One day I must find peace with me

Though always perfect I will never be.

HOPE’S ARRIVAL

All her fears

Are shown with tears

Shed only within restless dreams

Into which no bright light beams

Dawn brings naught but a maze

Through which she stumbles in a daze

She alone walks through life

Never protesting the strife

She knows hers is a troubled walk

Since fear says she must not talk

When they say she’s strong

She knows they’re wrong

And she plays with the belief

That death would bring relief

But hope still shall come

And no more will she mourn

The new light of day

When her sorrow will lay

With the eagles she will soar

And hear her soul’s joyous roar

Her fears at last will sleep

And her happiness shall leap

ONE WHO CRIES

Rain pours from the sky

Way up where eagles fly

Adults begin to run

While children stay for fun

I step in a watery puddle

Without trying to, in warmth, huddle

From a leaf’s edge a droplet falls

Akin to wiping away a  tear pain doth call

Frozen and amazed, I tip my head back

The sun’s bright rays the skies now lack

Its warm glow giving way to a chill

Realization flows through me still

These droplets are in the skies above

Where the only perfection and love

Has always and does still live

Yet now crystal tears heaven doth give

Inside me, my own tears swell

For so long did they in hiding dwell

I’ve been afraid of letting them free

I convinced others tears weren’t for me

Strong, worthy ones never speak of fears

And don’t ever show tears

Until they are alone in dark’s night

And only they deserve love, right?

Showing pain harms ones loved much

And doesn’t at all show love’s gentle touch

Selfish it is to battle pain out loud

Pain is not for a crowd

But yet still rain falls from heaven’s mist

And heaven, well’s it’s by God kissed

Could it be the Creator doth cry

Only to let the angels His face dry?

The skies open wide

Sending rain’s tide

The rain that comes from God’s hand

Are tiny tears that refresh our land

The mist sends living things hope

Helping them to cope

Slowly filled with awe, my eyes close

Peace unfurling in me like a rose

Despite what I’ve been told

I feel tears coming from within the hold

If God can so easily tears shed

Then maybe astray I’ve been led

With time the rain droplets cease

And with warmth the air doth tease

My eyes ease from the dark

To see again the sun’s bright mark

Heaven’s pain has passed

As earth feels again the sun’s warm cast

And now, deep within me, I believe

That even my own pain will soon leave

But only after my heart I rinse

Will I from pain no longer wince

As I open my eyes

I feel the joy of one who cries.

OLD FEARS

Voices are soon a shout

I don’t know what about

Only that I cared

And now I was scared

I would in my bed lay

And many prayers I would say

My body would shake

After a nightmare I would wake

My parents’ fights

Always started after lights

I guess it was to protect me

But from shouts I was never free

You ask why in my eyes are tears

Its because I still have fears

That were brought anew

When into a shout your voice flew

Feelings get lost in anger

And losing your love is a danger

And take that risk I will not

Because your love is all I’ve got

You say from you I hide

But it’s just I don’t want you from my side

And if I tell you what I really believe

I’m scared you will leave.

So no more will I throw anger’s pins

Because I don’t want to win

Having my way

Isn’t worth having to without you lay

I still shake and cry when voices are lifted

Because I know apart my parents drifted

So whether I’m wrong or right

Because I love you, I will not fight.

 

AFRAID

Of footsteps in the halls

And even of telephone calls

I feel so afraid

Without aide

Of being without someone on whom to lean

Of even by others being seen

I lie awake, so afraid

Feeling as though peace is delayed

I fear being alone

Yet my heart is like a stone

Conflicting emotions leave me afraid

Feeling as if someone did my heart raid

Somehow I smile

Put my feelings in a pile

Never to be talked about

For I don’t want to pout.

Of disappointing my mother

And being a bother

Many fears doth my heart hold

Even of being bold

Of wasting time

Of never having a dime

Sometimes unborn I wish I’d stayed

Because of life I am afraid.

THE GAME

Hiding behind a door

Curled up on the floor

Her spirit filled with fear

Her eyes wishing for a tear

Secrets keep her held back

And remind her all she doth lack

Abuse and loneliness are in her past

And those wounds won’t heal fast

She’s known few a friend

But she knows how to defend

When she was very young

Doubt and shame its song sung

Her dad liked to play a game

Of which none was the same

He could the game condone

But it had to be played alone

As she grew

Away her dreams flew

She felt trapped in silence

Afraid of violence

She longed for love

To fly as a dove

She wanted to from pain be free

And to a brighter future see

But instead she got ahold of a drug

Which only swept the pain under a rug

A lonely pained group she met

And with them, she often set

During the day, her life she’d patrol

But at night, her dad had the control

Her home was orthodox

But her reality was a paradox

It was difficult to trust

With upon her heart so much rust

Could she make a change

Would she ever herself re-arrange?

She finally met a man

Upon whom she could lean

He saw through the happy charade

And for the truth made a raid

She learned to trust

She cleaned the rust

For herself she stood

And decided to knock on wood

And she told the truth

Defended the little girl Ruth

The abuse then did end

And her life began to mend

Her friend showed her a new life

And wanted her for his wife

He believed in her

And that did her heart stir

He listened to her talk

And helped her from ashes walk

He was truly impressed

When she was no longer depressed

Soon, she was able to smile

And joyfully walk any mile

One friend had been her aide

And helped her into lighter waters wade

Her life may have been hard

But she ended with the winning card

We all can do the same

If we, as friends, destroy his game

THE SHADOW

No matter how hard I try

Things for me go awry

Everyone says I’ve done well

My heart won’t believe their tale

Do you know why

Every night I cry?

Do you want to know

What causes my every woe?

The answer is me

I won’t let myself be

See, I have this thought

That I never do what I ought

Expectations

Fearful situations

They play in my mind

I leave nothing behind

A shadow follows me

And questions everything you see

I have to be perfect

Or upon my mother it’ll reflect

Everything has to be just right

But it’s never been right at night

Sometimes I want to run

Maybe then my guilt would be undone

But responsibilities calls

At my heart it mauls

Sometimes I wonder if it’ll ever be free

From shadow’s guilt that won’t let me be.

Guilt’s a terrible thing

It never gives one a Spring

Because of its painful mark

I’ll go cry in the dark.

WHAT IT MEANS

This is what it means

To be betrayed and abused

Everyone’s against you it seems

Though you were used

Cruelly violated and without defense

Feeling odd with your innocence taken

The world no longer makes sense

Your heart feels broken

Irrational is your fear

But still your fear is such

That you won’t let no one near

You cry at the simplest touch

Crazy but you feel shame

Even though you really know

You don’t own the blame

You could have still screamed “No!”

Your body feels unclean

And it’s yourself you hate

For having to on others lean

For ever agreeing to that date

Your trust is abused

That’s what it feels like

Your life’s been made

And it is without a light.